Coping with Infertility: How to Manage the Stress of IVF

Infertility can rob you of the joy of parenthood, temporarily or otherwise, but it can also cause you intense feelings of stress. 

Right away, you’re putting intense pressure on yourself. You may also have extreme pressure at work. The stress can be incredible. Fortunately, you can learn to cope with the stress of your current situation.

Intense Pressure for Successful IVF

In a research study, scientists evaluated both partners of couples dealing with infertility. All couples were in the process of trying in vitro fertilization. What the research showed was that all the people in the study were experiencing intense stress. The concentrated focus on having a child was the most stressful factor for both men and women. 

Work Pressures

Because in vitro is so costly, people who are going through it also felt stressed about work issues. They may need to put in more hours, take on more work, or move to a higher-paying job. The job pressures not only add to their stress, but also often leave them exhausted at a time when they want to be physically at their best.

The Effect of Stress on IVF

Another study found that both men and women had better results in the IVF program when they were less stressed. You can’t eliminate all the stressors. They’re just part of the package. What you can do, though, is to learn how to manage the stress better so that it has less of an effect on your body and mind.

Shift Focus at Times

If you’re in IVF, you’re there for a reason. You want a child so badly that you’re willing to go through the effort and expense. That’s a wonderful thing! However, dwelling on that goal constantly can hurt more than it helps. 

It’s a good idea to shift focus at times. Do activities that have nothing to do with children. Go on dates with your partner and do something you both enjoy. Concentrate on the moment you’re sharing rather than anything that might happen afterwards. 

Manage Your Work Life

Your job stress can be incredible at this time when you need to cover the cost of IVF, especially if your insurance doesn’t cover it. What can you do? You have to do what it takes, right?

While you might not be able to work less, you can probably reduce the pressure you feel at work. Take time to enjoy your breaks more. Go out for a quiet lunch with a friend. 

Do your job as well as you can, certainly, but when it’s done, don’t rethink what you “should” have done. Then, when the day is over and you’re back home, allow yourself to put your job out of your consciousness until your next workday.

Talking to a psychologist gives you a chance to understand the forces behind the stress you feel. It’s also helpful way to learn coping skills you can use now and apply to your life no matter how it changes later.

About the Author
Marie Miguel has been a writing and research expert for nearly a decade, covering a variety of health- related topics. Currently, she is contributing to the expansion and growth of a free online mental health resource with BetterHelp.com. With an interest and dedication to addressing stigmas associated with mental health, she continues to specifically target subjects related to anxiety and depression.

Fertility Coverage Misconception: Tricare

So ever since starting treatment and sharing our story I have been asked so many times as to why we had to pay out of pocket since we have tricare. Well that's the misconception tricare doesn't cover everything, in fact there is a lot more that they don't cover than what they do cover. Even though I did a post awhile ago that touched on this topic, I decided it's time to try to help break down this misconception.

So let's start with what the tricare website states on this topic:

        

I am going to break this down for you to make it a bit easier to understand. 

•Tricare covers all diagnostic testing that is required to come to a diagnosis, this includes both parties. 

•Tricare covers all oral medications required for timed intercourse(ti) and some injectable(not all). 

You can do TI as many times as you want there is no "cap", however at some point your doctor will advise you that it is time to move on. At which time 90% of the treatment tricare has now high tailed it out of covering your treatment

You might remember that I did a post on what our next course of action was after TI didn't work and I explained what it was, if you don't you can click here. 

So you are now knee deep into a new treatment plan which includes Intrauterine Insemenation (IUI)

•Tricare covers oral meds

•Tricare does not cover the sperm wash

•Tricare does not cover injectables

•Tricare does not cover the actual "procedure"

•Depending on how your doctor runs their office tricare can cover the appointments and diagnostic testing and monitoring for those cycles (they did for ours). Some doctors offices once you get to IUI, they stop billing insurances and do a "package deal" type of thing, so if this is how your doctors office works you have to pay for everything. 

So let's say this treatment plan didn't work for you either.... the next step is IVF.  Which can cost 20 thousand plus. Sorry to say it but tricare is gone you are on your own. Now you are probably thinking Jane Doe had it covered and only paid half. Here's the huge misconception on this one. Tricare DID NOT cover it, I know shocker. There are 5 Military Treatment Facilities(MTF) within the tricare network: 

Walter Reed Army, Washington, DC
Wilford Hall Air Force, San Antonio, TX
Balboa/Point Loma Naval, San Diego, CA
Tripler Army, Hawaii
Madigan Army, Ft. Lewis, WA

These facilities have a government grant that covers treatment, it is not covered through tricare in any way shape or form. With this grant the medication is covered and you only pay half if not less (depending on location) for everything else. Getting into these facilities can be difficult depending on location. Each location has a set number of patients they take per fiscal year and they split that up into cycles. So there can be a rather long wait list. There have been people to be lucky and get right in and others that are waiting years. 

I hope this clears up a lot of misconceptions for people. 

Edited on 10/21/2016

I have had a few questions from viewers so I thought I would add the answers in to this post. 

•Tricare does not cover seragency. That is all out of pocket for you. If this is a route you are taking please make sure you educate yourselves on the laws for the state in which this is taking place. 

• Tricare does not cover egg/sperm adoption. 

You might have seen in the news that Tricare covers cryobank storage fees if your spouse is deploying. To clarify this is a pilot program it has NOT come into play yet. People had to apply to be apart of this program. The pilot will last roughly 2yrs and then from there they will come up with the final perameters and then it will either take effect or they will stop doing it. 

You might have also seen that the VA will cover one round of ivf if the military member has a combat related injury. This is true however please know there is a difference between combat injury and service related injury(which they won't cover ivf for this). There is also a long road on getting a combat related injury for fertility treatment documented. It is not something that happens over night. In some cases it has taken years. 

And then there were.......

I'm gonna torture y'all for a bit. 

So as most of y'all know we have been struggling to conceive and was diagnosed as "unexplained infertility". Well we decided since we had a deployment looming we would use the cryobank to preserve some of my husband's "man juices" as he calls it. We also decided to go more aggressive with the meds on our last fresh cycle before he deployed. 

Well we made the IUI by a few days before he left, literally by the skin of our teeth. I was loosing faith there for a bit. Literally within days of him leaving I started to feel weird. At first I chalked it up to just the trigger shot since it literally has hcg in it to force ovulation, so I assumed it was still in my system. Then March 10th came and the feeling didn't go away. I woke up and blew my nose (which is a regular morning routine for me) well this particular morning I had the sudden urge to throw up while I was blowing my nose and let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight. I kept telling A throughout the day that I couldn't shake this weird feeling. He said just wait we were still in the TWW (two week wait) and that it was probably just the trigger. However as the day went on I couldn't shake the feeling. So it was literally like 8pm and I decided to just take a test. It was positive (the first time I had ever seen a positive) I was thinking in my head it had to be an evap so I decided to do a pee hold and test again. It was positive again!! I texted the pics to A and he just said they were light to wait a bit and keep testing. The next morning I tested again and it was still positive and the line was getting a hair darker, so I called my fertility doctor and they wanted me to go right in to take a beta test. I did and of course it was Friday and with my luck the lab took forever and I had to wait until Monday for the official results. But throughout the weekend I continued to take tests and the line was getting darker. A normal person would have believed it by like the second test however for couples dealing with infertility it's really hard for us to actually believe it. Monday came and I got the phone call.... "Alyssa it's Tina (my fertility nurse) are you sitting down (my heart sunk)" I told her I was "Congradulations Alyssa, it's positive!!!" OMG OMG OMG I started crying right there on the phone. They wanted me to come in and do a second beta test to make sure my numbers were doubling. I left work and went right in. Good news they had more than doubled since my test on the Friday before!!!!!

Since we were in fertility treatment we get to go in sooner and more frequently in the beginning to have ultrasounds. My first appt was set for March 30. So close but yet so far away!!!!! Our really good friends Jake and Julia have known from the beginning, they have been our biggest supporters in this journey here. Plus A has them "babysitting" me so we felt they needed to know for any just in cases. So Julia goes with me to my appointments since A can't be here. So March 30 came and we are in the exam room and my doctor starts the ultrasound and I looked at Julia cuz I was nervous, all the sudden her eyes popped out of her head and my heart sank in that moment.......

                                      

Remember I said we went more aggressive on our meds, well 2 eggs matured and dropped!!!!!! We knew that it would be a possibility since both dropped but never in a million years did we think it would actually happen!!!! Our twins our souly due to fertility treatment, neither of us have genetic markers for twins naturally. When your in fertility treatment having multiples with these meds is always possible. Since starting treatment I would always tease A that its possible and the fact that it has actually happens is so beyond amazing. We couldn't be more excited and happy to finally be sharing this news. 

We want to thank all those that have prayed for us and kept us in their thoughts. Without your support we would have never made it through to the other side. 

                                                      

Jealousy within the Infertility community

Jealousy within the infertility community is a very taboo subject. As much as we try not to get these feelings it is human nature to do so. Just because we are jealous doesn't mean we aren't happy for the person that was able to come out of this struggle with their bundle of joy.

I will admit that I have been jealous. I have said things like why her, why does she get all the support and I get non, why don't I deserve my happy ending? There are so many more things that a lot of us are guilty of saying. Most of us don't mean it to be in a mean or a bashing way, but when you get all these hormones and feelings mixed in on some level it can't be helped.

Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss or status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.

People interpret the word jealousy in many different ways, its all about perspective. It comes in different forms, and can be different levels as well.


How to Handle Jealousy:

• Pick your Social Situations- Lets face it you will not be able to go to every Baby Shower or Birthday party because they might be to emotional for you that day, so don't go it is perfectly fine to skip these event. You need to do what is right for you and your sanity
• Take care of yourself- We all need some relaxing and to treat ourselves since we deal with a lot, so don't feel bad if you spend that $30 on a pedicure, just do it. It will help I promise.
• Talk to someone- I'm not saying you need to see a therapist if you don't want to. But it is always good to have that one person you can talk to no matter the time or place. Whether it be a friend, someone from a group you are in that is dealing with the same things, or your spouse. Just have someone that you can vent to whenever you need to.
• Find new interests- Find something that can be your outlet and help clear your mind when you need to.
• Write about it- You could keep a journal or even have a blog. Writing is known to help clear you mind.
• Send a blessing or prayer- When your eyes gaze upon a pregnant belly, and you feel the green jealousy monster rising inside, pay attention to that feeling. Take two deep breaths. Then, close your eyes and send blessings, vibes, or prayers to that mother and baby. The prayer can be very simple, like "May you have a healthy, safe delivery; may you know nothing but love and warmth." Do this when you feel like giving a blessing, and do it when you don't.
  Then, after sending the blessing to the pregnant woman, send a blessing to yourself, fertility related or not. Like, "May I have peace, may I have love," or "May I soon know what it's like to carry a child." Don't be surprised if you feel the jealousy melt away into tears of sadness - the emotion hiding behind the green eyed monster.
• Take a Social Media break- this is mostly where our jealousy comes from. So take a day or so and not get on it at all. Give yourself the time you need to calm down and heal from this blow.

I was lucky enough to get some wonderful ladies from an Infertility Facebook group I am in to let me use their experiences with jealousy.  Being Jealousy at times does not make you a bad person or mean that you are not happy for the other party and these ladies are true examples of that. The names will be pseudonyms to protect these ladies' identities.

"We tried for almost two years for what is now our only child. Living in the military community makes it especially hard because, at least in my experience, the majority of wives don't work and a lot of husbands find ways not to deploy - I always found myself bitter with narrowed eyes at wives who popped out a new baby every 18 months as I thought "oh, it must be nice and easy when he's home every night by dinner" as we tried to space trying and cycles around a million TDYs and deployments. My husband is a flyer - there was no such thing as a schedule. An 11am sortie would find the jet broken and him not coming in until the wee hours of the morning. Then there were the young partying wives/girlfriends who were accidentally pregnant and did nothing but complain about how they couldn't drink or smoke anymore. Oh, you poor poor thing. Every month that went by found me sobbing in my bathroom; I remember one day in particular that I lost it - fell on my living room floor and sobbed into the carpet, banging my fists, literally sobbing and yelling at God and life. Rounds of medication failed. Every timed intercourse schedule failed. OPKs never read right. He would unexpectedly TDY. I was completely consumed by jealousy, bitterness, and hate. If a friend announced a pregnancy, I deleted them from social media and from my life. I felt like they had done it on purpose to spite me, like they were standing in front of me laughing and stabbing me in the heart, even when I could reason with myself that that wasn't the case at all. But it hurt worse than anything ever had. I felt left behind. I felt like a failure. And every test came back normal, every doctor told me they were sorry but they had no idea why I wasn't pregnant. Which made it worse. I struggled a lot with my faith, almost gave it up. I heard all the clichés, which hurt even worse when a friend holding a newborn would tell me "God is good, just pray more," or "don't worry, your time will come when it's right." Patronizing much?? Easy for you to say when you got what you wanted! Glad "God was good" to just you! Holding other peoples' babies didn't console me. We finally got pregnant and had our son, and it was the best day of my life. He's now 3 and a half, and we have tried ever since to have another. We moved again and a new GYN on my yearly asked if anyone had ever diagnosed me with PCOS - no one ever had. Suddenly I had a word for all those dark years. But it also makes you angry- angry that as a woman your body isn't doing what it was designed to do, like you're somehow a mistake or a mess up. And here we are again, in the midst of friends having third, fourth, one friend my age having her SEVENTH child, and we are stuck at one. We aren't invited out by people who have no children because we have him, and not by people who have multiple, because their kids won't each have a playmate. I don't want to make friends with people who have one, because it feels like they're a ticking time bomb, at any moment they'll announce another, and then our friendship will fizzle out, so I don't start it. It's admittedly not as bad this time, because I have my son. But it doesn't mean that on the days where four or five announcements pop up on my feed I don't feel it - that twinge of "must be nice" jealousy. It's not all consuming anymore, but I would be lying if I said it's not there. And anyone who truly burns for a child, whose heart ACHES for it, that says they have never felt jealousy, is a liar. There's no pat on the back, no award, for acting like you are more pious, more emotionally pure, better than anyone else. Cut the crap. You've felt a pang, an ache, even as you've smiled. There's a difference between being able to deal with it, still be happy for others, living your life, and experiencing the emotion of jealousy. Even just wishing it could be you, wishing you had a child, is jealousy. There are so many forms, some more extreme than others. But it is the worst when this catty mess happens between women all struggling with infertility. It's a form of shaming, and it needs to stop. No one wants to hear about how you're a saint who has never had a negative emotion in your life - it's just bragging so you can feel morally superior. Some people NEED to talk, to vent- some more than others; it can be therapeutic. I had a friend at one base who invited me for coffee once a week, and all we did was whine and complain to each other about the struggle...and then we got up and went home and lived our lives with smiles on - but we were able to do that because we had had our form of therapy. People have to be allowed to feel their emotions. They have to let them out. Everyone experiences this journey in an entirely different way, and no one walks it any better than anyone else. This should be a supportive community, but it's not. We shouldn't shame other women into thinking that they should keep their mouths shut and skip along with plastered on smiles every day. At some point, if it gets too bad, we can quietly encourage a friend to seek professional help; otherwise, once in a while let them talk. Most likely they don't mention each bad day to their husband anymore. Chances are they try to hold it together at home. They count their blessings (and never insinuate they don't!! I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "just be grateful" for the one I have, as if I'm not!!!!!!, simply because I want him to have one sibling). Let's embrace the suck that this journey can be. Let's uplift each other without a turned up nose and self-emulation. Let's realize we are all unique humans with unique journeys. But let's also realize we truly are in this together. This is Mommy Wars on another level. And it must end."

 

 

 

"The Smith's started trying the same time as my husband and I. Being close friends Sammy would share things with me about how her husband Adam had backed out of the first S/A appointment because of "embarrassing feelings". Sammy shared that Adam would be taking other guy's overnight duty on the ship when it was time coming up for RE appointments. It got so bad Adam would shame Sammy about her missing work for the appointments. She was working a seasonal job on base at the time.

I did feel bad for her since my husband, Aaron, is always supportive. We have the goal in mind, my husband is up for anything to try or test to do. Adam's behavior was the reason for my jealousy when they did get pregnant. Their last IUI in October 2014 that was a success. It had been rough to hear details from Sammy. They were going to PCS in March to San Antonio. Sammy came over crying, said Adam told her that if the IUI doesn't work then he is done with all this "stressful nonsense" till after the move. Sammy said she didn't even get a sit down talk about it. Adam told her after coming home from duty in the morning. I consoled her and she was okay leaving my house.
The IUI worked for her but she distanced herself all through November and I didn't see her till December 15th or so. She gave a group of friends Christmas cards at a friends dinner out giving the news. Not that I wanted a special moment but I felt it was shitty of her to not share the news to me in private after all the things that went on. Anyways, jealousy hit its breaking point at this moment. I came home and cried to my husband. Adam had given Sammy the sort of ultimatum and then they get pregnant.
Our friendship was very awkward after the news came out. She was distant and I like to think the part of it was because she was moving away. Since she's moved we talk on the phone rarely but text every few weeks. She doesn't talk about her daughter much or share about being a mom. That's hard too.
This experience has shown me that yes, jealousy is okay and to not make this journey about a race to see who can get pregnant first. I'm feeling that inside pressure now because Sammy texted me that they are trying for #2 after the new year. My husband Aaron tells me to slow down and think of our journey only. He is my reminder that its not a race."


"When I started my IUI journey I wanted other experiences so I found the FB group that's closed. I asked questions and got different answers, the usual. The board started changing with more same sex couples (female only, I want to make it clear that I'm not against the gay community) who joined the group. Posts got more inclusive. Shaming went on.
I left the group when I was told that I should feel lucky that I get fresh samples and don't have to pay out of pocket for frozen. I shouldn't complain because after the IUI, I can still try the few days after with intercourse. Saying "lesbian couples have it a lot harder than straight couples" and more crazy rants of "same sex couples can get pregnant faster than straight". I'm not against the same sex couples but hearing that and starting to be told how I should feel was enough for me.
That board was hurtful then supportive. Words of wisdom, thick skin when dealing with online support boards. Know when to move on and find like minded more in common groups. As far as dealing with jealousy in this situation. I'd say to stay off social media for a few. Jealousy will pass, it takes time. Think of healthy ways to deal with the jealousy, talk to others like your spouse or friends that are outside the situation."


 

 

I want to thank these ladies for sharing there experiences with jealousy. xoxo

 

 

 

 

Guest post #2

If you have been following this blog for awhile now you might remember we had a guest blogger a few months back. She is in one of the Infertility groups that I am in. She's back with news and left with a heartbreaking choice. 

*This post is going to bring you to tears. We would like for those that might have negative comments to keep them to themselves*

                When Termination Becomes the Best Option, But the Most Devastating

Well I am back but I’ve guest spot here before, you know that one chick cop. The one who had infertility. And I have had such a crazy ride. Sadly things just seem to always be done the hard way with me. My heart is shattering. Let me explain.

After many years we finally were able to conceive this year with IUI. A year on medications, shots and ultrasounds. A year of trying methods. Round number two worked like a charm. Everything was going beautifully. As I sat in the office I was ecstatic that I was pregnant, waiting for my doctor to give me numbers and to see the first ultrasound. I was in tears I was in such joy. As we all know a baby conceived after such a long road and journey of infertility is a rough one. 

As the first month progressed I became absolutely horribly sick. I couldn’t breathe I was coughing so bad, and I wouldn’t stop regurgitating. Two weeks later things started to smooth out. I was still sick all the time but hey, that’s pregnancy I figured. As months passed I noted that I was still having pretty severe cramping in my stomach. Unfortunately a doctor I was supposed to be seeing was not being provided to me. Complicated OB. I should have been seeing them all along but a fail on my generic OB kept that from happening. My doctor just waved her hand and said that my pain was normal, it was round ligament pain. The weird sensations of a ball in my pelvis and a sharp pain in my kidney/ovary area was nothing. She talked down to me. Constantly. I finally had enough and switched my assigned OB.I finally decided to go into the complicated OB office myself and make my appointment. As the Generic OB was supposed to be following up with appointments through them, nothing had been done. 

The sad part, is this would have been my saving grace. 20 weeks later and my husband and I are nervous but excited to find out the gender of our child. We sat in the Complicated OB office waiting for that fetal assessment level 2 ultrasound. As they moved around my stomach I noticed they spent a ton of time on the head, heart and spine. I was really curious as to why but I figured it was normal. Then another specialist came in to review the ultrasound. I started to think the first might not have been tofamiliar and wanted to get a second look. As I watched in awe of the moving figure in front of me, my heart dropped as these words came out of the technicians mouth. “The nuchal fold is at a 7.6.” I figured it might be a minor issue and asked what it was an indicator of. “Downs Syndrome” My heart raced. I was freaking out. I could handle that but I was really hoping there wasn’t more to the situation. I learned in my teenage years that many times if there are other complications attached to it, it can be really bad. I went to a school that specialized in more one on one teaching, and had a very large department for just kids with Downs. I had seen the horrible extremes the issue could bring up. The tech decided to get another doctor as she also had a few other things she was concerned about. 

I grabbed my husbands hand like I was falling off the face of the earth. Tears sprang to my eyes as we sat there in the room alone waiting for a doctor to come in. I was hoping everything was just the first of many heart attacks this child would bring to us.That it was a fluke. Everything was OK. After all, we were having our dream. A boy. The door opened and she came to sit with me. As she moved my stomach around I felt a sharp pain again in my stomach and she waited for a few seconds before putting the wand against my stomach. The child was upside down. Head still down in my pelvis but a bit more up and down. That’s when I saw the look. The face that told me everything. She focused on the heart and we watched it beat. However, It just didn’t look like what I had seen when I had my heart echo. It was partitioned in a weird manner. “C, there is more than likely a 5th chamber, or a flap. I am a bit stumped as to what I am looking at here.” She let me have that sink in as she moved to the head. The nuchal fold was measured and it seemed to have altered in numbers. 5.6  . I was happy to note that but the first number was supposedly more accurate. As we sat there they tried to get facial features. Sadly nothing looked like a child’s face on my ultrasound. So they moved back to the spine. It looked like when a computer malfunctions and there’s a skip of white lines across the screen. The back was arched heavily and the sharp pain resumed in my ovaries. The doctor just took a picture of it and moved on. She then put down the wand. 

“C. We have some options of things to do but I really recommend we get an amniotic test from you today.” I nodded, knowing that was a best option. I had heard about them done but I knew it was a bit late for the test with my situation. After some research, I found out that it could be done a bit earlier too. The doctor prepared me for the procedure and explained everything. It was not comfortable, I did not enjoy it. OK I hate needles. We all got a much needed laugh as one of the awesome nurses mentioned my tattooed covered arms and back. I retorted, but it’s a different needle than this monster. But the 99.99% results outcome is what I needed for peace of mind. I needed to see a neonatal cardiologist for the heart as the situation was too complicated for the Dr’s expertise. At this point I think I wanted to throw up my heart. 

As we left the office with appointments in hand and a promise that we would get a call in the next 2 to 3 days with initial results I felt like the world was over. I cried in the car on the way home. All 1.5 hours of it. I cried at home, and started doing research. I prepare for the worst with hopes that the best happens. However, this time the worst is what I needed to prepare for. It was worse than I could have ever imagined.

A few days later our call was my worst nightmare. Between conversations of two doctors, one being the heart specialist, my little boy had a pretty bad heart issue. (I knew this would cause all sorts of complications in the future of their life, as the type that was described to me I had seen first hand. Both in a family member-who had a horrible life- and in school.) There was a probability he wouldn’t live past one, and if he did he would have childhood onset Alzheimer’s. Downs or Trisomy 21 was found. They were not sure but it showed faint possibilities of Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13 as well. They needed to run the full panel to make sure. It could take up to two more weeks to be sure of everything else. It was a horrible and bleak prognosis, but the cardiologist who received my report gave me worse news. Seizures in the womb. The arch of the body was not a good sign as it showed seizures, and they couldn’t find the face. The term was a “skeleton” face. As he said it was the best way to describe what he was looking at that made sense to the average adult. It didn’t mean it wasn’t there, but they couldn’t find it. This child is in pain. I knew it. I was in pain, both mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t do this to a child. His heart is working overtime, his back arched all the time, and the movements were jerky and not very smooth. The arch angle in my womb was heavy. The quality of life was horrible already. 

That’s when it hit me. As I spoke to both of them I knew the best option for the already immense suffering of this child. Termination. As I spoke to my two doctors they agreed with me that it might be in my best interest if that’s what I wanted to do. They also notified me of the horrifying complication that birth could bring to me since the heart was really really bad. They gave me all my options, but we had already known what was to be chosen. 

Now I sit here, with excruciating pain both in my heart and stomach. My head is killing me as the mental anguish and toll it takes is heavy. The child still moves but with rapid and sharp pain. Heavy and extreme. It stops me in my tracks. About 3 times an hour. Tears well my eyes as I feel not only movement but seizures as the body stretches out from pelvis to kidney. My heart breaks. I'm wearing thin. In order to find a place to help I was sadly turned away from my OB as they would not terminate in this circumstance. I was left to find an abortion clinic. Three days from now I have to be fully sedated and undergo surgery to remove the fetus due to the extreme conditions. Thankfully I found a place that has this happen in a hospital. I have to drive about three hours away. I am ready to just end the pain for my child, as I so desperately wish there wasn’t this route I need to take. My husband finally breaks down in front of me. He hasn’t done that in 10 years. Since his father passed. I'm so lucky my marriage is so strong. That my husband is so attentive and loving. That he promises to be with me no matter what happens. More than 60% of people in this situation divorce. Three days from now, my journey in infertility and genetic complications continues. Three days from now I will be without my baby boy. My everything. Three days from now I will come home from the hospital with empty arms. 

You are not alone if you’ve made this choice, or have to. It’s OK to cry. I am…

Sign

This post is going to seem like there are way to many topics for one post but I promise they will all tie into each other...................

Lately I have been wondering if I have been revealing too much about our journey. I know some of you will say yes, and others will say no. My whole purpose of blogging about our struggle with infertility was to let others know that are suffering in silence know that they are not alone. However lately I have people asking if we are pregnant yet or if treatment worked this month. I know that they mean well however those types of questions aren't what I want to hear. Yes I know that I am an open book and will try my best to answer any question you have however there are some questions that need to not be asked. If and when we get pregnant we will reveal it on our own, in our own time. I don't need to be put on the spot with these questions. They become a constant remind of what is going on and it just hurts.

 

 

Yesterday (1/29/16) I woke up convinced that it was going to be a bad day due to a dream that I had. Well turns out that it might actually be the sign I have been waiting for, for the last 2 years from mama. A few good things happen in our favor............

 

 

You might remember a few weeks ago I had said that the idea of a cryobank was floating around....... Well after weeks of research and phone calls, we have finally decided that we will be using a local cryobank to freeze my husband's sperm. After all these phone calls with the cryobank, our current fertility doctor, and a fertility doctor that the cryobank works with, we have come up with an amazing plan that works for us. Not only will it work for us but every month we will be saving about $100. Yes we will actually be saving money doing this, I know it shocked me too!!! Before you ask I will answer the question I am pretty sure you are wanting to ask..... 'Why don't you just take a break while hes gone', for us taking that break while he is gone is heart breaking. We feel as though if we take the break all of our work thus far will be for nothing. Yes we understand that he could potentially miss huge moments throughout this process. But for us those don't outweigh the end goal. Just because he is in the military doesn't mean we have to put our dream of having a family on hold. We are more than just the military. We are a normal husband and wife wanting to have children, to become parents, to hear the pitter patter of little feet running down the hall, to hear those first words of 'dada' and 'mama'. Why shouldn't we be able to work on that goal just because he will be deployed? There are so many advances in science and medicine at our fingertips of course we will use it as long as it is within our means. We are extremely lucky to have an amazing fertility doctor that has agreed to do anything and everything (even working in conjunction with a fertility doctor in another practice) to help us make our dreams a reality.



We have had multiple ultrasounds this month to check on my eggs size so that we could pinpoint when we were going to do the trigger shot and go in for the iui. Well it had turned out that they weren't growing like they needed to be. That was devastating to me. The fact that my body decided now of all times to stop responding in that way. So this cycle was to be considered a dud. Together with our fertility doctor we decided that we will be adding in an injectable that will help them grow starting this next cycle. Well this next cycle scared me due to the fact that our time is extremely limited before the deployment happens, so missing any more cycles was not an option for us. We decided that this Monday I will go in for blood work to see if I actually did ovulate or not. If I didn't then we are going to jump start my period. This plan had eased my mind. Well yesterday I started to get intense pains in my right side so out of curiosity I took an OPK, I GOT MY PEEK!!!!! I instantly texted our doctor and he said meet him today for ultrasound and iui. I was extremely excited because that is 2 things that have gone in our favor finally. That is the moment I got this overwhelming feeling that the dream was the sign from mama that everything is going to be OK. So today we went to the doctors office excited and ready........ Whelp my lining was not thick enough. To the point that suppositories (progesterone) wouldn't help it get thick enough in time. Our doctor decided that it wasn't a good idea to do the iui, that if we did and it was successful that it would end in a miscarriage. That is something we aren't willing to risk. Even though this month ended up being a dud in the end, weirdly I have this feeling of calm. 

A letter to address a comment that has been said to me

*I am not going to mention any ones name on this post*

Dear person,

The comment you said to me the other day was totally uncalled for. If you don't remember what it was I will refresh your memory. You said, "why are you even still trying to have a baby when he leaves soon? Don't you think its selfish to rip those experiences away from him"..... Excuse me who are you to say what I am ripping from my husband? Were you behind closed doors with us when we made the decision to continue our journey? No you were not, so you have no right to judge us for our decision!!!!

For your information the fact that my husband could potentially miss milestones in a pregnancy does break our hearts. But that in no way shape or form outweigh the outcome at the end. You have not experienced this journey with us, you only know what we choose to share. Until you are in this situation you have no right to judge what our choices are.

I get it this whole thing is foreign to you so you don't know exactly what to say. Well here's a tip say it to yourself first if you feel a sting then chances are you shouldn't be saying it to me. I also understand that I made the choice to blog about this process, however that does not make me "fair game" for judgment and ridicule. It also does not give you the right to say whatever you chose.

Call me crazy but, he can miss out on my looking like a whale, having acne, and being irrational from the hormones. I don't want him to know when I'm so constipated it takes me an hour to poo. I don't want to worry about shaving when I can't even see my bits and pieces. I'll take the whole bed to myself and all of the pillows without any guilt! He'd likely make it home in time for the birth, and won't miss many of the infant and toddler milestones. Life is all about what you make of it. There will be positives and negatives in every situation. Only you get to choose which side you focus on so choose wisely. 

Sincerely,

Aly

  

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS

Whelp we have the official date that A leaves for training in preperation for this deployment. Ugh actually typing that word made my heart sink. So our clock has officially started and as much as I am mentaly preparing myself, I dont want this day to come. I know that I am going to want to just crawl into bed and cry. But I can't, I have to remain strong for him as much as I need to for myself.

There is so many things that we have to do to prepare for this deployment. We are going to have to update his WILL (just saying that freaks me out considering everything that I have been through in the last year). Also we will need to get a million and one Power of Atterny's (ok maybe not that much but we still need to get alot of them). Then we have to make sure he has everything that he is taking with him, our house is litterally going to look like it exploaded multicam. We are also going to be having people that will be visiting us before he leaves so that they can see him before he's off to defend our Country.


All while this is going on we will still countinue our treatments. Talk about stress upon stress!!! We are remaining hopeful that by the time he leaves we will have our BFP..... For us him being gone and the posibility of him missing out on the pregnancy related things does not out weigh what the outcome would be. At this point and if our timelines match up yes he would miss alot practicly almost all of it but at least he would be here for the most important part, the delivery.

In the next coming weeks and months I will be doing more deployment preperation type of posts to help those that don't know and that might be going through this for the first time. To help ease their mind on what they need to do and not do. I know how overwhelming all of this can be.

When it rains it pours

Whelp we officially got the big bad "D" word...... So on top of fertility treatment we now have a Deployment looming over our heads. Do to OPSEC I will not be giving away any information surrounding the deployment, however I will blog about our lives in preparation for it as well as throughout it.

 

 

 

So what does this mean for our treatment.......... Well it means we have no choice but to continue IUI full force now. Now we are adding a trigger shot along with it. You might ask why don't we just take a break and continue when he gets back. Well to answer this is simple. 1. I'm not getting any younger, and age is a huge factor for us. 2. If we take a brake we have to start over. So we are going to continue this route. We are getting information on freezing his sperm and me continue doing the IUI while hes gone but as of right now this option is not set in stone due to cost. For us the cost of freezing needs to be reasonable, yes when hes deployed we get extra pay however if the fees are going to cost more than that extra pay it will not remotely be feasible for us to do that option. We have high hopes that we will be successful before he leaves.  

 

What scares me is that there is a chance that he will miss alot of things dealing with a pregnancy. He won't get to feel the kicks and movements. He won't be there for appointments. Hell he might not even be there for a delivery. But to us those things don't outweigh the reward at the end. We have alot of support from family and friends so I won't be all alone. Also with all the technology it will almost be like he's here.

 

Dont forget about the fundraiser our amazing friends have organized to help us with the costs that TICARE isnt covering.

To support, purchace, donate, or share click here.

 

 

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all of your support throughout this jouney.

 

 

 

Road to Baby C Part 7

Another month down and still no baby. We have officially been on this journey for over a year now. I never would have suspected that we would be where we are today. In my mind I though we would at least be pregnant by now. But that dream hasn't become a reality yet.

We are still very hopeful that IUI is what is going to work for us. November was our first round and we didn't do a trigger shot then. For those that aren't aware a trigger shot basically makes you ovulate at a specific time usually right around 12 hours after the shot. So normally you will do the shot the night before you go in for the IUI. We have decided that from here on out we will more than likely be doing the trigger shot as well, that way we can pinpoint even more accurate the time frame. You might ask why we didn't do that to begin with. Honestly the amount of medicine I am taking as it is we felt like it was a good idea to at least try to do at least one part as natural as possible.

Like I've said in other posts about IUI it will take me up to the percentage that a normal person without any fertility issues would have, which is 20%. SO let me break this down so you can get an idea of what I'm working against. Without the meds i am between 0-5%, the meds take me up to about 10-13% which is still not enough. So doing the IUI every month will take me up to the 20%. However it is best that you continuously do it and not skip a month. If you skip a month your chances start to go back down. Which in all honesty is a waste of money in my mind because you will end up having to play catch up.

Unfortunately we are now out of the TI (timed intercourse) phase of treatment so now TRICARE doesn't cover the IUI. So we are having to pay out of pocket. Lets face it when it comes down to it that is alot of money, if it doesn't work we have to pay again...........

Which brings me to another topic. Our amazing friends Caroline and Kyle have started a fundraiser to help us with our out of pocket expenses pertaining to our treatments. My husband and I are so beyond grateful. As you all know we are not the type of people to ask for "handouts" or even do the dreaded gofundme. But with friends like these they have figured out a way to still help us.


The following is a statement from our amazing friends.........

"My husband and I organized this campaign for our dear friends, Andrew and Aly. They have been suffering with diagnosed infertility for over a year, and have recently begun IUI treatments towards their miracle baby. Never once have either one of them asked for "handouts," from strangers, but I can't imagine the financial burden Tricare is leaving them with. It breaks my heart that health insurance companies aren't friendly to those who need specialized treatments in order to g...row their family, or that such treatments have to cost so much money.

I firmly believe that genuine people deserve to be parents, and that faith and love will guide a sweet baby into their loving arms. We wanted to offer a place for family and friends to be able to help their cause, and support awareness.
Please, at the very least, share this post. It is my prayer their story meets a kind giving heart this holiday season. Let's help give a deserving family get their miracle!"


The fundraiser they started was for a shirt, that way not only would people help but they would also get something in return.

 



To order click here, also we are asking for people to at the very least to share the link on their social media. The price of the shirt is $20 

 

Thank you so much everyone for all of your support throughout this journey. It means the world to us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tricare and Infertility

I have been getting asked a lot lately what TRICARE(military health insurance) covers and doesn't cover. A lot of people have this misconception that TRICARE pays for everything. While that is true in most cases, when it comes to infertility that is not the case.

I am going to quote the TRICARE website for this next portion, then I will be breaking it down with my experience.

TRICARE may cover some types of assisted reproductive services. The services must be medically necessary and combined with natural conception.

Services that may be covered includes:

• Diagnosis and treatment for an illness or injury of the male or female reproductive system. This includes correcting any physical cause of infertility
• Care for erectile dysfunction only from physical causes
• Diagnostic services including:
  • Semen analysis
  • Hormone evaluation
  • Chromosomal studies
  • Immunologic studies
  • Special and sperm function tests
  • Bacteriologic investigation

Your regional contractor may require preauthorization. Check with the contractor prior to receiving assistive reproductive services.

TRICARE doesn’t cover:

• Artificial or intrauterine insemination
• Any costs related to donors and semen banks
• Reversal of tubal ligation or vasectomy
• Care for erectile dysfunction from psychological causes, including:
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Stress
• Non-coital reproductive procedures, services or supplies, including:
  • In vitro fertilization
  • Gamete intrafallopian transfer
  • Zygote intrafallopian transfer
  • Tubal embryo transfer

Exceptions for Seriously Ill or Injured Service Members, Male or Female

If you are a service member who:

• Is on active duty
• Had a serious illness or injury on active duty
• Lost natural reproductive ability due to that illness or injury
• Have a lawful spouse

Then the following services may be available:

• Sperm retrieval
• Egg retrieval
• In vitro fertilization (IVF)
• Artificial insemination
• Blastocyst implantation
• Cryopreservation and storage of embryos

The following is not included:

• Fertility preservation
• Surrogacy

If you receive care or medication in the civilian sector, participating network providers must be used if available. Preauthorization for every IVF cycle is required.

So in my experience TRICARE covers anything dealing with Timed Intercourse. This includes any medications that you need as well as all the doctors appointments. However the moment you move to the next stage TRICARE is out. So for us they are still covering the medication that I require to help me ovulate but they are not covering IUI. So that part is out of pocket for us. The price for that can rang from $400 on up to thousands depending on your location and doctors office. We are extremely lucky when it comes to our price (sorry I am not going to give that away) but I will say that in hindsight we could be paying out our asses. The bad part is if it doesn't work we pay again the next month. I wish that there was some sort of guarantee but of course there isn't. I mean i understand why we don't get money back due to its not like they can reuse most of the medical equipment that is used and our Doctor is giving his time to do this.

Now if we lived near an MTF IUI as well as IVF would be discounted. Our closest one is over 5hrs away. Although we could get permissive TDY to go, however the fact that we go to the doctors multiple times a month it really isn't in our best interest for us to go to the MTF.

There are only 5 MTFs within the TRICARE network.
Military Treatment Facility (MTF)
Walter Reed Army, Washington, DC
Wilford Hall Air Force, San Antonio, TX
Balboa/Point Loma Naval, San Diego, CA
Tripler Army, Hawaii
Madigan Army, Ft. Lewis, WA

What is an HSG test??

I have had people ask what this HSG test that I have talked about is. Since my hope in all of this is to educate people I figured it was time to explain this test. I have one coming up in preparation for our IUI procedure.

What is a hysterosalpingogram?

• Radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix
• The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open, dye fills the tubes and spills into the abdominal cavity

What to expect during a HSG TEST

A hysterosalpingogram, HSG is an important test of female infertility. This test is a radiology procedure usually done in the radiology department of a hospital or outpatient radiology facility.

This shows weather the fallopian tubes are open or blocked and weather a blockage is at the junction of the tube and uterus or at the other end of the tube.

The HSG study only takes about 5 minutes to perform. However, the test is usually done in the radiology department so there is additional time for the woman to register at the facility and fill out a questionnaire and answer questions regarding allergies to medication etc. The results of the test can be immediately available. The x-ray pictures can usually be reviewed with the woman several minutes after the procedure is done.

Does having a dye test improve the chance for getting pregnant?

Pregnancy rates in several studies have been reported to be very slightly increased in the first months following a hysterosalpingogram. This could be to the flushing of the tubes opening a minor blockage or cleaning out some debris that was preventing the couple from conceiving.

Some studies suggest that using oil based contrast provides a slightly larger increase in pregnancy success rates than the use of water based contrast. (I have told my husband it's gonna turn me into a sticky bun lol) However, the large majority of HSGs are done with water based contrast.

Side Effects and Risks

Some pain and/or discomfort, feeling cramps or achy and vaginal spotting and/or watery discharge.

When spotting or discharge occurs, patients are encouraged to use sanitary napkins or pads as opposed to tampons. While uncommon, a risk associated with HSG is infection.